St Baz
We interupt our normal programming to bring you breaking news of an unexplained occurence in downtown Auckland, we have Andrew McRae at the event.
Andrew can you tell us what’s happening?
Yes, kia ora Māni, I’m seeing what appears to be a supernatural event. A woman in her 30s is levitating about half a meter off the ground in the middle of Anzac ave.
She appeared to be crossing the street when she was caught up in what officials here are calling an ‘ascension’.
I’m sorry Andrew, can you confirm that for our listeners, you said this woman is levitating?
Yes, that is right. Little is known at the moment, about the individual in question, she is of Asian decent and I have been told that she works in the area. She appears not to be in any pain but we are unsure the reasons for such an event. I’ll bring you more updates as they are known.
-
That’s how it began. A normal Tuesday lunch time. The city rushing around as usual. But now with Yu-Jun Kim, suspended in catatonic extasy, holding up traffic on a busy road.
It was late February 2023 and ordinary people in New Zealand had reached a state of collective piety as a result of Covid 19 lockdown obediance and vaccination complience. But more than that, when asked to, they were kind.
We know this from interviews of these individuals who could explain very little about what occured during the ascension, but they all had the overwhelming message that goodness, kindness and caring for one another was the reason for the blessings.
The effected went into a state of indescribable bliss and all bodily function ceased seemingly, so there were no embarrassing mid-air “accidents”. Originally people were concerned and tried to help the early ascenders, but the Director General of Health reassured us that the medical check-ups during and after the first few ascensions, revealed that the health of the individuals in question were more than normal they were in fact, in perfect health. Some people argued the ascensions caused bone softening, though that was mostly misinformation disseminated by the newly formed but little known Anti-Ascension Forum or AAF.
Ascensions happened sporadically at first but became more and more common place. An inconvenience for employers but taken in their stride, especially since the blessing seemed to buoy people’s spirits and the national household spending habits increased every time there was an announcement of an ascension.
It crossed religious lines too, debunking early Christian rhetoric about the “correct” ‘path’ to follow.
There were no typical ascension times but since it seemed to be increasing a government app was eventually created to alert close family, friends, and allocated work contacts, and they could hold vigil. Though use of the app waned over time.
Miraculously, no harm would come to the ascended. These human vessels that were in communion with, what some were calling, a higher power, were protected from all external disturbances which some people attributed to the faint glow that came off the individuals, more easily seen at night.
Not that anyone knew, but the ascended were also tended to by the Anteortes[1] who are sort of protector angels. They ordinarily keep drunk people, stumbling home from the bar from walking into oncoming traffic. They invisibly jostle them home, making it to their doorstep with only minor bruises. They are the angels of near misses; not completely stopping accidents but making them less traumatic, stubbed toes, grazed knuckles, that sort of thing. They had a new assignment however, with the development of the Aotearoa ascensions.
There were of course the Phalums, the order of angels whose job it is to counteract the Anteortes good work, they spend most of their time fighting each other, that’s how the worst accidents happen, when the Anteorts are distracted in arm wrestles with the Phalums. But, for these rare moments of ascension, even the Phalums leave these carer angels alone, recognising the complete purity of each event.
The occasional house was robbed and those who lived alone with no contacts would often return to missing pets or shrivelled up vegetable gardens. But the elation, peace and enlightenment that followed the ascension was more than worth the loss of any trivial, stuff.
The evening news would announce the ascension like Covid numbers or severe weather warnings, or the way blossom flowerings are announced on Japanese news channels, with tags on the map marking locations of interest.
Each ascended was given an unofficial sainthood, not condoned by any faith group, as they couldn’t agree between themselves whose god was performing these miracles.
Yu-Jun Kim, the woman spoken of earlier, was one of the first ascenders, leaving her office in the customs brokerage building to grab lunch and rush back to her desk, she was crossing at the lights when the ascension began and there she was held in perfect benediction, for over 2 weeks. With Yu-Jun being the first it was considered a Buddhist manifestation, her closes link to religion was her Buddhist parents, however the family rarely went to pray and only really celebrated their ‘Korean-ness’ during occasions like the Korean New Year with her slightly disapproving parents in Glen Innes that their daughter was only kind of Buddhist to make them happy.
A few weeks later Dorothy Morrison of Blenheim was about to strike it rich on a bingo card when tables parted, chairs drew across patterned carpet and she hovered a meter above her Zimmer frame. There she stayed for 4 days 3 hours and 20 minutes. Suspended there with her bingo dabber, cap off, drying out in mid-air.
The episodes happened more and more frequently over the preceding months, and social services managed to get their heads around what was happening. Temporary financial benefits were put in place for the families of the effected loved ones. Emergency services were always called in case a temporary roadblock was needed and diversions for the general safety of the public though accidents in the areas of ascension decreased.
Rahul Mishra owns the dairy along Balmoral Road, down the road from the park. It was not an overly successful dairy, but it served his community, and he was lenient with school kids who stole day-old pies in the afternoons and came back the next day with only two dollars to say sorry.
He hadn’t been to temple in a while and thought himself not a very obedient Hindu. Life was busy, with only a few days away from the shop a month, a sleep-in was the most spiritual thing he could achieve especially with a wife studying nursing three kids under eleven.
However, after his ascension which lasted 6 days 17 hours, and 32 minutes he returned to earth and walked straight to temple with his wife and children who took time off school to be there when he descended.
Life returned to pretty much normal for Saint Rahul, his shop would be frequented by pilgrims leaving offerings of two dollars coins and flowers. Much like all the others who were blessed with ascension, his life became contented and calm, but he was much the same as before. The only thing that changed, and it was only he who noticed this blessing, was that the random bits of fruit he would have in a basket for sale would never rot while they were in the store. Staying perfectly just-before-ripeness, until they were sold.
Saint Beth of Taranaki. She was one of those good Christians, you know, the one’s non-Christians actually liked, not those who pretend to be nice and then judge everyone’s tithe amounts or gossip about their lockdown drinking habits. She planted trees and tried to learn te reo, she was better than she thought but St. Beth was hard on herself. Being held aloft for 17 days and 4 hours, St. Beth participated in what most think is the record duration for an ascension. It was in the supermarket, dry goods aisle and not on Sunday so removed the romance of being seen as a blessing to the church. After her ascension she carried on in much the same way as before, serving her small community. She did receive one blessing though, whenever she cooked for others which was more prophetic than most, the food would always be perfectly seasoned, even if she forgot to add the necessary salt and pepper.
There was the impressive occasion of a rather rotund member of parliament who ascended for 4 days 9 hours and 37 minutes, his heft was quite extraordinary suspended there in the debating chamber, right in the middle of question-and-answer time. There was media speculation and anger from the Opposition as some sort of stunt in an election year or unfair advantage but two weeks later a member of the opposition ascended for 4 days and 15 minutes which stopped the formation of a select committee to “root out spiritual favoritism within Government”. Both members post-ascension left politics entirely.
Uncle Tui, as he was called by everyone, caused a roadblock by the Taupiri urupa on the Waikato highway. He ascended while washing his hands after tidying the grave of his first wife. The mist came down to greet him and stayed the whole 12 days 3 hours and 46 minutes of his ascension. Since then, any house he visited noticed a reduction of dampness and the Waikato DHB saw a sharp decline in respiratory-related illness in the area.
Many elderly people ascended and that was easier to deal with but came as a shock to their adult children, who visited once a week, seeing their parents aloft in ecstasy only sometimes fully clothed.
The list went on and on to well over four hundred people. A nurse in Rangiora who after the event always found a vein. A farmer in Cheviot was able to talk to young farmers in the region, reducing suicide in the region with his incredible blessing of a kind manner and way of listening, a DOC worker on Raoul Island in the Kermadecs had lit a small fire on a still night, ascended and hovered above the flames for 9 days and 7 minutes. The fire stayed lit, but the wood didn’t burn. From that moment on his socks were always dry.
There we’re flourishes on the East Coast and that got ‘Māori Facebook’ chattering that Ngāti Porou had some spiritual superiority until similar Iwi ascension clusters occurred in Kaikohe, Whanganui and Hastings; at Parihaka it happened twice.
The Prime Minister reassured the country, with a stern furrowed brow that her government was trying to do all they can to find the cause of these unpredictable events but reminded reporters, who enquired on governmental negligence, that all follow-up interviews returned overwhelmingly positive responses.
This ascension season lasted a little over two years with the last recorded event being a man who would become known as Saint Baz of Tapu beach. His name was Bartholomew Wallace, a fitting name for a saint but not even his parents ever called him that. Saint Baz was in his Coromandel workshop fixing the neighbour’s lawnmower, stopping for a mid-morning cuppa, no sooner had he reclined in his favourite chair on the front deck overlooking the bay had the 9-day 12 hour and 40-minute ascension begun.
He was grateful for the attention, living alone since his wife had passed had been lonely for Baz, sometimes forgetting he was alone and making two cups of tea instead of just the one.
Someone made a small plaque for his gate and for the remainder of his years Saint Baz welcomed visitors to the front deck, told them different stories from his interesting and vibrant life with his wife.
The guests always thanked him and went on their way, fulfilled by sitting in the presence of St. Baz. And they always commented curiously that their cups of tea stayed hot till the very last sip.
[1] Pronounced: An-ti-orts